I Will OverCome

I had a very long talk with Brian when he got home from work; I finally came clean and told him about how I have been feeling.

I have been scrubbing my house for the past 2 days and have done every ounce of laundry that we own. Usually when I am upset and angry for some reason cleaning house is very therapeutic and usually I am able to just bury my sorrow in work and with in time I get over it and move on.  So after 2 days of cleaning and trying to bury my emotions it all came to a head this afternoon.

Unless you have lost a child no one will ever understand the stress and emotion that come with it.  For the past 2 weeks I have been angry, bitter, emotional, upset and most of all I have been taking it all out on my husband.  I was so angry over the fact that I lost the baby and needed someone to blame so I blamed Brian and took all of my anger and emotion out on him and it caused a lot of stress on my marriage.  The sad part is that it is no one’s fault my body is just not capable of having any more kids and truth be told I should not have carried the 3 girls. 

 I guess I will never understand why it is that I lost the baby but I do know one thing, in time I will be ok but the thing is it’s not going to go away over night and it’s not going to go away by cleaning my house and doing laundry, yes it does take my mind off of things for about 1 or 2 hours but no matter how hard I try my feelings and emotions are not going to go away and this is something that I am actually going to deal with. 

So I finally expressed to him how much hurt and pain I am in with the loss of our baby, and how not being able to hold our kid, no words can express how sad I was when I was told that the baby had no heartbeat.  The night that I was rushed to the hospital, because of the bleeding I was beyond scared; I remember looking into Brian’s eyes and thinking why is this happening and can you please just make this all better. I told him how angry I was and sad I am that we will never get to enjoy the ultrasound of finding out whether it was a boy or a girl, we won’t get to pick out the crib bedding and most of all we will never get to experience that moment when you hear that cry for the first time and the moment when they place the baby in your arms and you look and see this miracle that you made that was a part of you and him. This is a pain that I have never experienced and a pain that no one can make better except for looking to God for the strength that he will heal my heart and make me understand what is going on. 

Apparently while I was in surgery Brian had a long conversation with Grandma Connie and she stated that Brian was scared to death that he was going to lose me and that I am his whole world and he was so scared but the thing is he has never once said any of this to me but it really made me think how grateful I am to have him in my life and how much he changed my life for the better.  He told me tonight how truly scared he was and that I don’t think I understood just how close I was to them doing a complete hysterectomy because of complications and bleeding. He told me that he would never forgive himself if anything would have happened to me.   The reality is that I will never have any more kids of my own and this makes me extremely sad but the reality is that I have Joy, Hope and Grace that I need to be a mom too and no matter how much this pain hurts it is nothing compared to the pain that my kids would feel if anything were to happen to me.

Thankfully I have an amazing family that is trying so hard to help me find my way through and at times  I feel as though people expect me to just put this behind me and move on and in time the healing will happen and I will be able to find my way back to happiness that I had before, but for now it is ok for me to take the time to deal with all of the emotions and anger that I am going through and that I don’t need to bury them and try and pretend that everything is ok when the reality is I am in pain.

Please forgive me for the honesty of this post but if I can’t be honest about this then how can I teach my girls to be honest to me when they are feeling hurt, angry and upset about the disappointments and trials of their life.  

As my daddy always tells me to remember Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength”



Every now and then, in the middle of the constant barrage of crap that’s just pissing us all off these days, we come across a story, a feat, an event that just makes us stop in our tracks. This was one for me.

Cody Green was a 12-year kid in Indiana who was diagnosed with leukemia at 22 months old. He loved the Marines, and his parents said he drew strength and courage from the Marine Corps. as he bravely fought the battle into remission three times. Although he was cancer-free at the time, the chemotherapy had lowered his immune system and he developed a fungus infection that attacked his brain. Two weeks ago, as he struggled to fend off that infection in the hospital, the Marines wanted to show how much they respected his will to live, his strength, honor and courage. They presented Cody with Marine navigator wings and named him an honorary member of the United States Marine Corps. For one Marine, that wasn’t enough ... so that night, before Cody Green passed away, he took it upon himself to stand guard at Cody’s hospital door all night long, 8 hours straight.

 Nowhere on the face of this planet is there a country so blessed as we to have men and women such as this. I wish I could personally tell this Marine how proud he makes me to be an American. God ... I do so love this country.

~~Lori Boxer for The Blacksphere

Husband

Husband:

So as you can probably guess my post today is about my Husband Brian Allen Berthon….

When Brian came into my life it was a very dark time, I had just gotten out of a relationship that was full of lies and cheats, I told God that I was done with men and that I was done with relationships and done with ever finding true love.

As most people know Brian and I met online when he was over in Iraq fighting for our freedom, now I grew up military and always had a special place in my heart for anyone military, so I agreed to be Brian’s pen pale and boy that was the best decision that I could have ever made in my life.

Brian and I went on our first date to dinner and a movie and I remember sitting at dinner thinking to myself, I never want this to end because he was so down to earth and we literally talked for hours and have always been able to talk for hours about anything. Step one to being in a healthy marriage is talk with your spouse don’t yell and scream and see who can get louder but talk and look into each other eyes and know that you are safe and tell them how you feel.

When Brian proposed we had only been a couple for 6 weeks and everyone said that we were crazy to be getting married in such a short time and that we would never make it. Well when you know you have found the one then you just know God showed me that not all Men are evil and there are still some men out there that are true and honorable and I married one hell of a honorable man that stands up for his family and works his butt off for our family and give me the opportunity to stay home and raise our family and I will never ever take that for granted and Thank him every day for the privilege that I have.

Over the years Brian and I have been through many valleys and at time we looked at each other and wondered how we would ever make it to see those mt. tops. Brian has stood by my side through 6 surgeries in the 7 years that we have been married and those valleys have been struggles but he was always right by my side when I woke up but it is because of having each other to lean on that we are able to make it through and will continue to make it through.

Brian not only my HUSBAND, but he is my BEST FRIEND, the most amazing FATHER to our 3 girls,  he is a MILITARY vet and THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!!!!!

Brian I love you so much honey and thank God for you every day that you are in my life forever or at least till God comes back!!

Favorite Time Of The Day!!!!!

People always ask me what my favorite time of the day is….Well I finally have an answer, when I go in and see Hannah-Joy laying on her tummy, her hair all over her pillow, the sound of her sucking on her binky sleeping like and angel, then going to the next room and seeing little Cheyanne sprawled out in her crib,  drooling out the side of her mouth and sucking on her fingers also sleeping like a angel, then I look over at Izabella who in laying on her back and her hands above her head like someone told her to stick-em up, also hearing a little snore come from something so perfect and looks like a little porcelain doll and then crawling into bed next to my hubby who is sound asleep on his back with his hands above his head looking like someone told him to stick-em up and snoring just a little and knowing that my angels are all safe and snuggled in their bed and knowing that the man that I love is warm and cozy. This is my favorite time of the day and you know what I wouldn’t miss it for anything!!!!

I have the best life ever and so grateful for the family that God has given me!!!!!!

They May Be Twins But Sooooo Diffrent!!!!

Izabella Grace

Cheyanne Hope

Rock Bottom

This Is So True!!!!

My Days!!!!

The Only Thing That Gets Me Through My Days!!!!!!!

You Are Not An ACCIDENT!!!!

One of my husbands best friends put this on facebook and it took my breath away....

When we found out that we were pregnant with baby number 4, I said it was an accident and you know what this baby wasn't an accident it was planned by God and what and amazing accident it was. even though I never got to meet my baby or even touch my baby this baby has changed my life in so many ways this baby was defantly NOT AN ACCIDENT!!!!!!!!!

Playing in the Pool

 

Hannah-Joy is defiantly a water baby, we spent some time with Nana and Poppy in California and the whole time that we were in California she spent most of her days playing with Nana in the blow up pool in the back yard.

She also decided that a bucket would work just as well as  the pool!!!!!

I'll Fly Away

Brian and I are sad to say that Baby Berthon #4 grew angel wings and flew home to be with the lord.

We are extremely sad but we know that God is holding our sweet, sweet angel in heaven with him right now.

It's funny how you hear a song and you sing it for so much of your life but you never know when that song is going to mean somthing to you in a time of need.

The other night when we lost our baby, I looked up at God and I said that our baby had grown wings and flown home to be with the Lord. Well this song has defantly hit a special spot in my heart!!!

Dedicated to our Angel (Baby Berthon)

Some glad morning when this life is o'er,
I'll fly away;
To a home on God's celestial shore,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away).

Chorus
I'll fly away, Oh Glory
I'll fly away; (in the morning)
When I die, Hallelujah, by and by,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away).

2.
When the shadows of this life have gone,
I'll fly away;
Like a bird from prison bars has flown,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away)

Chorus
I'll fly away, Oh Glory
I'll fly away; (in the morning)
When I die, Hallelujah, by and by,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away).

3.
Just a few more weary days and then,
I'll fly away;
To a land where joy shall never end,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away)

Chorus
I'll fly away, Oh Glory
I'll fly away; (in the morning)
When I die, Hallelujah, by and by,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away).